Agony Ass: fifty shades of How Are You

“How are you?” This is one of the kindest expressions to address a person and that, during the pandemic, has acquired even more relevance.

Yet it is not always appropriate to ask it, and the Agony Ass explains the reason why.

Incoming bad news

A friend and follower of ours found out he has “non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma”, news we learned from a social page he currently maintains.

After the initial shock, he shared with his audience the content of some messages he received on social media from so-called “friends,” who asked plenty of “how are you?” questions, often followed by advertisements or invitations to buy books.

“How Are You” into Agony Ass: why?

Now we expect huge groups of whiners replying “we can’t say anything anymore, politically correct is an obstacle to speech freedom, we can’t even ask how are you! We won’t follow your blog any longer!” Never mind crybaby, grumble away, we will certainly survive without you.

With the COVID emergency, asking “how are you?” took on a deeper meaning than the usual run-on sentence because it was mixed with anxiety and fear for people we love, but when you live with a complex health condition such as cancer or HIV it can sometimes become an inappropriate question.

50 shades of: “how are you?”

Hi, how are you? I wanted to tell you that … [book advertisement or random event].

At least once each of us has received a message like this in private, right? Usually you just take it and throw it away, but if you’re going through a difficult time and that text comes from a friend of yours you hope that “how are you” has another meaning. Especially if you have decided to share your real state of mind in public.

Such an invitation is still acceptable, all things considered; it’s different though, when “how are you” is said often by someone who previously wasn’t used to it but, aware of what you’re going through, starts asking about your health over and over again.

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”, says an ancient quote; empathy and sensitivity are good qualities but become unpleasant the moment you are focused on your negative feelings, although masking them by attempting to be kind.

If someone has just found out that they have cancer and are undergoing treatment or have yet to start, it is useless for you to bother them with daily “how are you”; a polite person may reply to you with a matter-of-fact statement but if they lose their patience they may also tell you “how the fuck do you want me to be? Stop asking me every time!”

By behaving this way, it almost seems as if you want to hear, “I am sick, I need your help.” Exactly what the person will never say to you, knowing that you can give very little support.

Or even worse, a “how are you?” said over and over again as if to push the person to answer, “you know they told me I’m almost dead.”

Happening with HIV as well

We both know the 50 shades of “how are you” so much in deep:

• Elettrona when she dated her ex: “your boyfriend? How is he? He’s okay right? Is he continuing treatment?” Why should I tell you all his clinical history! Not your business, I’ll tell you he’s fine in any circumstance.
• Gifter, the first few months after HIV diagnosis: other than the standard “how are you”, someone gave him books on life is good and living positive. The only way to reply would be to publish the book “the unsolicited Comfort championship.”

Now there’s Agony Ass to allow us to get inappropriate characters back where they belong, but sometimes it would really be spontaneous to say, “Do you want to know if I die? Sorry, I’m still here bothering you for quite a while.”

So how to deal with inappropriate “how are you” questions? Point it out to them politely, because they never bother us on purpose, and if we come across as aggressive we risk the opposite effect: less sensitivity and more rudeness.